


Torchwood: N.Y.

by Tish



Category: Pundit RPF (US)
Genre: Halloween, Multi, Pundit Round Table, What The Hell Olbermann
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-21
Updated: 2010-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-06 12:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tish/pseuds/Tish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keith Olbermann enlists Rachel Maddow to join a top seekrit squad of alien busters. Is this just a ruse to get her involved in an orgy, or is this genuine?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torchwood: N.Y.

"Rachel, you know the 21st century is when it all changes," Keith whispered to her in his most conspiratorial voice.  
She downed her vodka shot and replied, "Yes, that's very deep and meaningful. Is this going to be one of those nights where you try and convince me to go with you to one of those shady joints?"  
Keith placed his hand on his chest, "No, no, nooooo. I promise you that the Bacon Strip is right off the agenda. Unless of course, something untoward happens."  
A peal of laughter from Rachel, "How does that work? Some bizarre emergency where the only shelter is a titty bar?"  
Keith shrugged, "Well, they sheltered from that zombie attack in a pub in _Shaun of the Dead_."  
"Are we expecting any zombies, Keith. I mean, apart from New York's usual freak show?" Rachel's eyebrow was quirked in a most tantalising manner.  
Keith's cryptic smile was enough to send her over the edge. "Okay, quit it. It's not April Fools' day," she scolded.  
"No, but it is All Hallows' Eve," Keith replied, tapping the side of his nose.  
"We going to a Halloween party, then?" Rachel grinned.  
"Better than that! C'mon!" Keith grabbed his jacket and tapped something into his phone.

 

In the square, Rachel looked up at the sculpture, as Keith fiddled with his phone again.  
"Okay, just a bit to your left," Keith guided.  
Rachel frowned as she took a step, "You wanna take a picture? I can pull a silly face if you want."  
"Hold on tight," Keith smiled, holding her hands in his.  
Rachel suddenly felt as if she were in an elevator in free fall, but that was absurd she reasoned, she was in the street. Then she realised that she and Keith were descending underground. She looked up as the city street closed up above her. She stared at Keith as he placed a hand gently on her shoulder, "Rachel, it's time you joined our group. You'll be an invaluable asset in our task."

The elevator stopped and the door rolled away, revealing a chamber packed with computers and strange technological equipment. Rachel gazed around, trying to get a sense of how far underground they were and what all that distinctly alien-looking stuff was.  
Keith put out a hand, gently asking, "Not too freaked out, Rach? Come on in."

As a distinctive laugh came from an adjoining room, Rachel frowned, "You know, that laugh sounds very familiar."  
Keith smiled, "First thing I heard when I was brought here, too. And yes, it is who you think it is."

The door opened and Jon walked out, still giggling. He stopped as he saw them, "Oh hey, you made it here!"  
Behind him, Ana Marie poked her head through the door, "Rachel! Have you had the tour yet?"  
Rachel blinked with surprise, trying to find the words, "Um, hi. Is this the _Daily Show_'s new studio or something? I'm half expecting to see crocodiles from the sewers in here."  
Jon cracked up laughing again, "I knew she'd love this place. So, you joining the team?"  
Keith held up his hand, "I haven't got that far yet. Give her some time to make sense of it first."  
Rachel put her hands on her hips, "Join what exactly?"

Before anyone could reply, another door opened and Stephen strode out, "Rach, good of you to join us. Have they brought you up to speed? If so, we got aliens to catch, and I'm getting reports of a heck of a lot of zombies and vampires out there tonight."  
Jon sighed, "Stephen, the zombies and vampires are okay. They're kids."  
Stephen's face grew pale, "My God, Jon. Children have been turned into mindless killers and you say it's _okay_? Shame on you."  
Keith started to say something, but dissolved in a fit of laughter, leaving Ana Marie to place her hands on Stephen's shoulders and stare into his eyes, "Listen Colbert, it's Halloween night, it's just kids dressed up. They haven't been turned into anything bad. Okay?"  
Stephen looked dubious, "But the vampires are sparkly. Surely that means there's been a radiation leak from the alien spaceships?"  
Jon bit his lip against the laughter, as he looked up from the computers he'd been monitoring, "It's all quiet out there for the moment. Why don't we take a moment to get Rachel on the same page as us, then we can worry about the sparkly vampires. Oh, and there no bears, either."  
Stephen sighed with relief, "Good. That's good. Rachel, before we begin, would you be agreeable to wearing these knee-length boots. I think you'll look fantastic in them."  
Rachel frowned at the black boots, "I'm not sure they're good for walking about in, Stephen. I might stick with my trainers."

Ana Marie ushered her over to the lounge area and as they all sat down, Stephen mused, "These boots really are sexy. I think I'll wear them." He paused, looking around, "Something's missing."  
Keith nodded, "Indeed. Where's Coop?"  
Stephen finished zipping up the boots, stretching out his legs to admire them. He looked up, "Oh. Ohhhh. Hang on. Be right back!"  
He dashed off towards the other room, frantically searching through his pockets for something.  
Jon watched Stephen, "Man, he looks really fierce in those boots. Check out that ass action!"

The door opened and Stephen casually stood there, putting his tie back on. Rachel could see it was rather wrinkled. He strode back, smoothing it down. After a few seconds, Anderson walked out, straightening his jacket. His tie also looked a little unkempt.  
Anderson quickly snapped back into crispness and smiled at Rachel, "Sorry to not come out earlier, I was a little, er, tied up. I was, er, making coffee."  
Rachel grinned, having already noticed that the kitchen area was on the opposite side of the chamber, "Hi Anderson, might have thought you'd be in on this. _Whatever_ this is."  
Keith clapped his hands, "Well, everyone's here, so I'll explain. We are part of a secret organisation which protects the Earth against alien attack."   
He paused as Rachel took in the information. Finally, she asked, her tone heavy with skepticism, "Is Glen Beck an alien?"  
Stephen nodded, "We believe so. However, he's always protected, so we can't get at him. The entire Fox News team may have been infected with alien pathogens by now."  
Rachel choked back a laugh, "Next you'll be telling me Rush Limbaugh ingests the life-force of innocent children and goats."  
Jon nodded, "It's entirely possible. We've been getting some very disturbing readings from his emissions."  
Rachel was amazed how Anderson, Keith and Ana Marie could keep straight faces after hearing this. Hell, Jon was notorious for cracking up, but he had listened and spoken in deadly earnest.  
Anderson leaned forward, his tone hushed, "I can see you're thinking this is bullshit, but I can assure you of the veracity of what you've been told."  
Stephen shushed him with an impatient hand wave, "I thought you were making coffee?"  
Anderson sighed and got up, "Yeah, sure."

Stephen set his serious face, to which Rachel swallowed a giggle, his voice soft, "Rachel, what the BUFT has said is correct. I can see you're thinking this is bullshit, but I can assure you of the veracity of what you've been told."  
Jon cut in, "Hey, he's not a BUFT. You're always telling him you love him."  
Stephen shrugged, "Only to get him into the sack."  
"You just don't appreciate him, mister. One day you'll live to regret it," Jon retorted, jabbing an accusing finger at Colbert.  
Stephen couldn't find an honest response to that, so he quickly jabbed Jon with an alien-esque syringe.   
Too late, Jon saw it coming, managing only to blurt, "You fu-" before slumping unconscious.  
Ana Marie snatched away the needle, scolding Colbert, "Stop doing that to him every time he gains the moral advantage over you!"  
Rachel stared, gibbering, "What the hell was that?"  
Ana Marie quietly replied, stroking Jon's forehead, "Retcon. Thankfully, it was a small dose. He won't remember the last few minutes when he comes round."  
Jon was already murmuring and stirring, snuggling into Ana Marie's arms.  
From the kitchen, an oblivious Anderson called out, "Do you take milk and sugar, Rachel?"  
Rachel threw up her hands, "Okay. Okay, I get it. Is Comedy Central updating _Candid Camera_?"

The sudden, jarring klaxon and flashing blue light cut off any reply as everyone jumped to their feet and hurried over to their stations. Keith took Rachel's hand and led her to a monitor, "Keep your eye on the readouts. If they go into the red zone, give me a shout!"  
Jon tapped some keys, "Got a couple out of control. They're burning up in the atmosphere. Ground strike in New Jersey."  
Stephen yelled, "Get me CCTV footage!"

A screen flickered into life with an eerie green tinge, showing a steetscape. Rachel stared as smoke cleared to show a small chuck of metal, twisted and burnt.  
"Is that a helicopter crash or something?" she gasped.  
Ana Marie shook her head, "Markings indicate it's a Radesh scout ship. Hvori class, single occupant."  
"We're being attacked by radishes?" Rachel replied, still unconvinced.  
Something small and slimy crawled out of the crashed spaceship. It stood up, looking about itself. The camera picked up a group of kids coming the other way. The stopped and pointed, then ran over to the alien.  
"New Jersey team are almost on the scene," Anderson announced. "Still tracking more scout ships."  
Everyone else turned their attention to the other monitors, except for Rachel, trying to see the join on the alien costume.

Back on the CCTV, the kids gave the alien some candy and strolled away. The alien ate a chocolate bar, wrapper and all, then promptly keeled over, dead. The New Jersey team pulled up beside it and took it way in a body bag

"Wow, candy kills aliens, apparently," Rachel announced, keeping an eye on the original screen she was supposed to be monitoring. She wondered if the stream of numbers spelled out a dirty word in code.

Keith brought up another screen. "Got another one in Baltimore."  
The monitor showed a gang of thugs laying into the alien. What appeared to be its head splattered in several directions as it was shot seven times.  
"Ohhh, poor motherfucker never stood a chance!" Keith mused.

 

Ana Marie brought up another screen, "Okay. Now approaching New York! Getting co-ordinates now."  
Stephen snapped his fingers, "That's us, people! Let's get out there and do our job."  
Anderson crossed to the alien tech table and handed over various weapons, pausing to hand Rachel a laptop, "Keep your eye on the readings, please."

Rachel found herself hustled along a corridor to a SUV, piling in with the others.  
"I hate to ask at such a time, but is this an ecologically friendly way to save the planet?" Rachel asked.  
Anderson leaned over, "Yes, it actually runs on a special alien fuel source."  
Stephen put his foot to the floor, "Even if it ran on panda sperm, I'd still love this car. Look at it go!"  
Jon turned in his seat, "Stephen wants to show this off on Top Gear, but we can't really advertise a secret organisation."  
Rachel raised an eyebrow, "Is that why you have _Torchwood: NY_ stencilled on the side of it?"  
Ana Marie laughed, "We could be a firm of accountants for all people care. Who the hell reads logos on commercial vehicles?"  
"And nobody ever notices that little service elevator you got?' Rachel added.  
Keith answered with a smile, "It's like those guys who stand and yell weird shit on street corners. Sure, you _notice_ them, but then you make sure you look the other way and keep walking."  
Anderson looked up from his laptop, "Next left, Stephen."  
Stephen looked into the rear-vision mirror, "Weapons ready, team. Keith, make sure you look after Rachel."

The SUV turned into the deserted street and stopped. The same strange mist drifted in the air as they got out, scanning for activity. Jon pointed to a far corner and they trained their weapons on the spot, as the alien rushed towards them, weapon firing. A quick blast from an energy weapon felled it. Several more aliens pounced from the shadows, only to drop from a pulse from Anderson's sonic gun. The shoot 'em up continued for another half hour, as time and again the tactically idiotic aliens ran into the line of fire.

Finally, no more aliens showed up on the scans, and Anderson's check with the Torchwood computers showed the attack was over – for now.  
Rachel watched as everyone got back to the SUV, then spoke, "So, this is really real. It's not some elaborate joke."  
Keith looked her in the eye, then started laughing, "Sucked in!"  
Rachel stared at him, "You turd! It WAS a prank!"  
Keith kept chuckling, "No, it is actually real."  
"I swear I'm going to deck you, Olbermann," Rachel muttered.  
Anderson swatted a hand at Keith, "Please ignore him. You know what Keith's like. Yes, this is indeed genuine. You saw for yourself."

Packing up the weapons, Jon turned to Ana Marie, "Hey, back in the base, just before the alarms sounded, was I asleep on your shoulder?"  
Ana Marie looked at him with sympathy, "Yeah, he did it again. Don't worry though, I took it off him."  
Jon groaned, "Care to bring me up to speed?"  
"You pointed out how Stephen treats Coop badly, though he won't admit it, as per usual," Ana Marie replied.  
As she closed the SUV's back door, they both saw Anderson standing there.  
"Oh," was all Jon could manage.  
Anderson shrugged, "We all know Stephen's a pretty good actor, but you've never seen the look in his eye when we're alone. So you believe what you wanna believe, and let me believe what I wanna believe, okay?"

There was silence during the short drive back to base, Rachel's mind still churned from all the excitement, Jon gave Anderson sidelong glances, Stephen gave Anderson meaningful looks in the rear vision mirror. Ana Marie kept an eye on the laptop, checking and double-checking. Keith simply smiled over at Rachel from time to time.

Back inside the base, everyone looked to Rachel expectantly.  
"Well?" asked Stephen. "You staying?"  
Rachel ran a hand through her hair, "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed."  
Jon raised a finger, "Sorry to break your brain any more, but you also need to know something else."  
He took a gun and shot Stephen in the chest. He crashed to the floor, dead as a doornail. Rachel stared at Jon in utter shock, stammering, "Wha- what have you done?"  
Anderson crouched down, "Nah, give it a minute. Yeah, there we go."  
Stephen suddenly heaved a deep breath and sat upright, Anderson supporting him.  
"Jon, that was uncalled for. I simply could have told Rachel I'm immortal," Stephen snipped, brushing down his suit as he stood up.

Rachel had a wonderful vision of banging her head against a wall until it all went nice and quiet and dark, "How do you guys unwind after a night like this?"  
A range of smiles grew on everyone's faces, as Ana Marie slid her arm around Rachel's waist, "Well, usually a good shag fest takes care of that."  
Rachel thought about it for a few seconds, then decided to stop thinking about it. She grinned as clothes stared flying everywhere.


End file.
